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Apathy Kills
Friday, January 30, 2009 @ 9:04 PM

In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing. - Theodore Roosevelt

Apathy is a killer. With all this stuff going on: with school, at home, prom, the worst you can do is not care, because that's when you don't do anything. That's when I don't do anything.

There are some things in life that you can explain: gravity, colorblindness. I believed that everything was explained, or could be; everything had its reasons. But the two things I really can't understand right now are what's become of me, and what's become of Michael Jackson. And trust me, it's horrible to know that I can associate part of myself with the black-turned-whiteness of the now freaky King of Pop.

I don't know why. I mean, I thought that high school would have made me more diligent and hard-working ... smarter, even. But I've gotten dumber, in the sense that my grades have gotten lower, because I don't care. I really don't give a sincere, long-lasting shit about a lot of things that are happening to me, and I'm scared. I'm scared of apathy like some people are afraid of Satan; but apathetic is exactly what I've been: (and here's some humiliation:) My A minus in Chem became a B minus. Minus. My Geom grade lowered to a C. The only A minus I actually had in my third quarter report card was CL, nothing more. And I don't care. I don't sincerely care.

I don't care much about my piano lessons anymore, whereas before, I was always excited to learn. Now it's like, even if I knew I had time to practice, I would sleep or use the computer, just basically be a bum—and not just with music, but even with school. Maybe especially with school. Like I submitted the crappiest introduction for English just to submit an introduction for English. I sleep my ass off and literally do nothing—literally do nothing—when I am fully aware of the facts that (a) I have free time to work and study, (b) my computer is on and ready and right in front of me in my bedroom, and (c) I just really have stuff to do. But I don't do them because I don't care. It's not even called procrastination, it's called indifference to everything. And I want to be outraged myself, and I AM, but I don't do anything about it. I wake up in the morning for school and it's already past 6 o'clock, and I don't care. And as much I know this is the least of importance, prom is already next week and I don't even try to look for a dress yet. I don't care about school, about music, about prom, about anything. I'm just so scared of what the hell I've become and I can't even explain why. I mean, I knew myself so much as responsible and hard-working and studious, but now it's like ... I don't know myself at all. I'm ashamed of myself, humiliated at the fact that despite what I am I am now, I don't sincerely want to do anything about it. Not even a desire to change—I mean, what the fuck is that? It's as if I'm merely existing.

I don't live.

I do nothing.