Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability. - Sam Keen

Summer so far is pretty good; I'm actually enjoying it a lot. I've been seeing a lot of movies, reading books, going out, watching American Idol—so it's all good. And considering that our WiFi router at home isn't working (i.e., have had no Internet for a longish time), it could be a lot worse.

Oh yeah. Some spoilers. But nothing too serious.

1. Hard Candy (film): This is really good. It's very dark and gothic, so do not watch this if you're weak of heart; no kidding. It stars Ellen Page from Juno and it's a psychological thriller, basically sending the message that the predator can be the prey and vice versa. You actually sincerely feel sorry for a pedophile—that's how intense this film is. It's very scary and very, like, "closed" in terms of the space; it's like a small and limited stage for theater. You really feel disturbed after it, but in a sort of good way because it makes you think—when does it really cross the line?

2. Big Fish (film): Well it's kind of old, but I saw a DVD in our house and this is pretty good. It's very pretty and fairytale-like, but not sappy or romantic. I think it's pretty smart, very heartwarming, and I absolutely love the ending. Good times.

3. A Beautiful Mind (film): Another old film, and truly stunning. It's a film about a schizophreniac mathematician, and absolutely riveting. I love the whole concept of the first half of the film being so real, but in the second half you incredibly realize that everything you've been watching up to that point was fake. It really gives you a true sense of how schizos really believe that these things are real and that they are happening, and I love that whole concept for the audience. It starts off with a certain lightness to it, with the whole college setting with friends and girls and all that, but it brillaintly builds up as Russel Crowe's character gains more knowledge and more intellect. I love this, and it's really, really good.

4. Valkyrie (film): I hated it. I slept through it. End of story.

5. Skylight Confessions (novel): This is truly one of my favorites, I must say. It's probably one of the most poetic and lyrical type of prose I've ever read, and it's brilliant. I love the whole concept of three generations ruined and doomed by love. It's stunning; and truly unforgettable that you turn the last page of the book sort of missing the characters because they were so complex and sympathetic, yet with a beautiful strength in their personalities. There were so many memorable and beautiful lines in the novel as well. Great stuff, I highly recommend it.

6. Nights in Rodhante (film): Well my mom bought this (lol), and coincidentally I was looking for something a little less doomed-ish to watch, looking for a sappy love story. And yup, I got it alright. Nights in Rodanthe, if you look at the second half, is definitely all about the romance and drama. HOWEVER. Richard Gere and Diane Lane just DO NOT have any chemistry! I mean, my God, when they started kissing I was like, what the hell what a pathetic build-up. They don't even look like they're in love with each other. I mean I just sincerely thought them to be two old people who like talking about their lives in a washed-up old inn. Terrible chemistry. But then, I was satisfied since I was looking for sappiness. It didn't end really happy, but happy enough. I mean it is based on a Nicholas Sparks.

7. The Painted Veil (film): BEAUTIFUL. Great. I loved it. It's a period piece starring Naomi Watts and Edward Norton, mostly about China and the cholera epidemic, but at its core is a love story between a husband and wife; it's a love story about two people who are already married, and I love that concept. Although it is kind of convential with how it abruptly develops the story as in most period pieces like The Duchess and Becoming Jane, The Painted Veil is just a really beautiful story. Considering all trappings of a sappy period piece, The Painted Veil overcomes that and really brings the audience a well-developed, heartfelt story. Plus Edward Norton is just so underrated, he was brilliant in this!

8. Remember Me? (novel): This was my first non-Shopaholic series, Sophie Kinsella book that I've read, and the first chick-lit novel I've read in such a long time, and Remember Me? did not disappoint. Although Remember Me? is totally predictable and generic and at times even annoying like how some chick-lits are, the way the story is delivered is just really so terrific and funny that I really had no reason to hate it. It's light and cozy, sexy in many parts even, and a total delight. I read it in like a day, and that's never happened to me for any book before—it's a page-turner for sure.

9. Definitely, Maybe (film): Well I saw this on HBO last night, and I found the film to be relatively enjoyable. I mean it's not the best and it isn't at all memorable, but it's okay. It's kind of weird though—the mood isn't extremely dark comedy, neither is it extremely light comedy; it's somewhere in the middle and that's a bit hard to place. It's a nice romantic story, and I liked it. Though I would totally understand if someone else would totally hate it.

And oh yeah. American Idol.

I CAN'T BELIEVE MATT GIRAUD WAS IN THE BOTTOM THREE (!!!).

Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. - Benjamin Spock

I started the summer officially with tears.

Tears of abandonment, tears of depression, tears of loss, tears of hope—tears of many things. But one thing's for certain, they were tears for change. I will change, and I made a promise to myself—and to God—that I wouldn't wait for senior year to start changing.

On the last day of school, while everyone else was happy, I was in tears. I was depressed. My exam scores were shit, and I actually managed to make myself even feel worse about my paper in English, which I didn't think was even possible anymore. I was ashamed. I got to this point not caring much about my education, underneath the facade that to others, I really did. I know that I tried, but I never tried enough as I knew I could, which beats me to the core; and it's why I was never genuinely happy for who I was as a person.

I was a horrible person. Apathetic and indifferent in every respect—a nonexistent soul, a soulless body. What's worse of it is that I didn't really do anything about it. Of course I'd make promises; of course for a few days, I would be trying. But I would always eventually stop. Because I knew I was only doing it to make myself feel better.

And on that last day of school, while everyone else was happy, I went home crying. Because while majority of the class got a line of eight in Chem, I almost failed. While majority of the class got their best grade in English ever, I got one of my worst. While majority of the class found the Geom exam to be easy, I struggled. And I knew why; it was because I didn't get it, I didn't study, didn't try. And I won't even make excuses—I know why this all happened, and it's because of me: shithole of a me.

This is how it always happens: I stop trying, I take the test, my grades are shit, I cry in self-pity, and I stop trying again. And although I honestly don't know why I stopped caring and trying in the first place, I know it's not an excuse. Because I should always care. I should always want to learn, to be better.

And so I was in tears, crying. And out of depressed thought, I knew this wasn't it. I won't end the year with the same person. It's too late to change what has happened in third year, but it's not too late to change myself, as a person.

So I decided to resume talking to the sky, to the ceiling, and I realized that God was the only person who could understand me. He was the only one who could listen, and I knew there wasn't any judgment.

I believed in him again, because it was the only way to help me get right.

So I don't know if these feelings and realizations will last, because I know that it's easy to fall back into that cycle wherein I'll stop caring. But I damn well hope not to.

I know now that I have to change. Not to make myself feel better, and not really to do it for God, but really, to do it for myself. Because I am the only person in the world who can change just who I am.

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. - Elie Wiesel

Sometimes, even when people don't make any sense, as long as they hurt you, you really just want to cry.

You might understand their reasons sometimes. Maybe they're just lonely; the husband's away, and the rest of the children. Maybe they think, that after all the disrespectful children one's had, you're the only hope of being right.

But I'm not, not to her anyway. And probably not to anyone else she talks about me to. I'll be known as the rebel or what ever the fuck else she labels me as. And I don't even have it in me to want to protest against her because the senselessness she's shouting into my ear and hitting on my body is much too stupid, mistaken. I don't get it. I don't get it enough to want to change it.

But still; you cry, I cry. Because you know that you hate it all. You hate all of it. You hate her, him, them. A world of animosity and apathy, once you're just too fed up. And all you can think of, once you stop caring, is I just want to get the hell out of this house.

Is it so bad to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Never in my life have I felt this dumb before.

Was it some sort of a mind-block or panic attack going on? Well I don't know what the hell it was, but for the first time EVER in my entire academic life, I took a quiz and I seriously did not know what I was doing.

I took the Chemistry "long quiz" right after the Geometry long test, and God, I thought Geom was bad enough. Chemistry was a load of bullshit that I didn't understand the hell of. And I studied. I did, okay? I admit that it wasn't the hardest I've ever tried, but I did. And I understood. And I know that it is my fault for not knowing the answers, for not even possessing a decent guess at many points, but I studied for Chem—along with Geom, along with Health, along with my piano lesson which were all excruciating. I did everything I had to do yesterday, tiring myself over things I won't even apply ten years from now, and that's the point. It feels like I'm never fucking good enough. AND I HATE MAKING EXCUSES, BUT IT'S THE TRUTH. When will my sleepless nights (and that's literally staying up for 36 hours straight) ever pay off? It's as if no matter how much I try, there's nothing. Why do people like so and so and so get to sleep and yet they're the ones getting the high grades, overwhelming and almost undermining everyone else's capabilities? I know it's STUPID, but it never seems right to me. It never feels right and good and content and most of all, WORTH IT.

Nothing will work unless you do. - Maya Angelou

I AM SO FUCKING NERVOUS.

Now that the sequence for the English oral defense is at random—and yeah I actually thought that random sequencing would be okay BUT IT'S NOT—I feel like I'm chopping my own head off or bursting my own brains out in this very slow and painful process to death. And the scariest part about all this is that I can't rebut my counter-arguments. To prepare well for the defense, I have to question myself a lot, and before today, I believed I was going to do okay, but now I'm completely lost. It's probably because I'm not sure how to synthesize my analyses for the presentation and all that, but the fact that I can't answer my own questions anymore tells me that I am completely SCREWED.

But to keep myself sane (or am I actually losing sanity with this?), I've been obsessing over American Idol a lot. Okay, not American Idol per se, but Adam Lambert, lol, who is absolutely my favorite contestant on Idol right now. Normally for every season, I have this contestant who I totally love and perhaps become obsessed with; last year it was David Cook, duh, then the others were like Blake Lewis, Chris Daughtry, and Constantine Maroulis. Now it's Adam Lambert, HAHA. And I know a lot of people speculate that he's probably gay, but I wouldn't care. He will forever be a great singer as long as his larynx is still in tact and shit. I mean seriously, did you seeeee his recent performance when he sang "Satisfaction" by The Rolling Stones? Geez, that was insane. That was like a true let's-bring-the-fucking-house-down! kind of performance, I loved it. Besides, people always think musical theatre people are gay simply because it's musical theatre! ... Though I do personally hope he's not. (AH, I LOVE HIM!)

... Anyway.

OMG, I'm so fucking tired. And therefore I am pretty much going insane. I want to die again. Actually I slept through an entire half of Social Studies today all the way into lunch period, LOL. That's how fucking tired, or simply bored—or both—I am. I want to die. Random sequence is not fair, wah!

Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability. - Sam Keen

Summer so far is pretty good; I'm actually enjoying it a lot. I've been seeing a lot of movies, reading books, going out, watching American Idol—so it's all good. And considering that our WiFi router at home isn't working (i.e., have had no Internet for a longish time), it could be a lot worse.

Oh yeah. Some spoilers. But nothing too serious.

1. Hard Candy (film): This is really good. It's very dark and gothic, so do not watch this if you're weak of heart; no kidding. It stars Ellen Page from Juno and it's a psychological thriller, basically sending the message that the predator can be the prey and vice versa. You actually sincerely feel sorry for a pedophile—that's how intense this film is. It's very scary and very, like, "closed" in terms of the space; it's like a small and limited stage for theater. You really feel disturbed after it, but in a sort of good way because it makes you think—when does it really cross the line?

2. Big Fish (film): Well it's kind of old, but I saw a DVD in our house and this is pretty good. It's very pretty and fairytale-like, but not sappy or romantic. I think it's pretty smart, very heartwarming, and I absolutely love the ending. Good times.

3. A Beautiful Mind (film): Another old film, and truly stunning. It's a film about a schizophreniac mathematician, and absolutely riveting. I love the whole concept of the first half of the film being so real, but in the second half you incredibly realize that everything you've been watching up to that point was fake. It really gives you a true sense of how schizos really believe that these things are real and that they are happening, and I love that whole concept for the audience. It starts off with a certain lightness to it, with the whole college setting with friends and girls and all that, but it brillaintly builds up as Russel Crowe's character gains more knowledge and more intellect. I love this, and it's really, really good.

4. Valkyrie (film): I hated it. I slept through it. End of story.

5. Skylight Confessions (novel): This is truly one of my favorites, I must say. It's probably one of the most poetic and lyrical type of prose I've ever read, and it's brilliant. I love the whole concept of three generations ruined and doomed by love. It's stunning; and truly unforgettable that you turn the last page of the book sort of missing the characters because they were so complex and sympathetic, yet with a beautiful strength in their personalities. There were so many memorable and beautiful lines in the novel as well. Great stuff, I highly recommend it.

6. Nights in Rodhante (film): Well my mom bought this (lol), and coincidentally I was looking for something a little less doomed-ish to watch, looking for a sappy love story. And yup, I got it alright. Nights in Rodanthe, if you look at the second half, is definitely all about the romance and drama. HOWEVER. Richard Gere and Diane Lane just DO NOT have any chemistry! I mean, my God, when they started kissing I was like, what the hell what a pathetic build-up. They don't even look like they're in love with each other. I mean I just sincerely thought them to be two old people who like talking about their lives in a washed-up old inn. Terrible chemistry. But then, I was satisfied since I was looking for sappiness. It didn't end really happy, but happy enough. I mean it is based on a Nicholas Sparks.

7. The Painted Veil (film): BEAUTIFUL. Great. I loved it. It's a period piece starring Naomi Watts and Edward Norton, mostly about China and the cholera epidemic, but at its core is a love story between a husband and wife; it's a love story about two people who are already married, and I love that concept. Although it is kind of convential with how it abruptly develops the story as in most period pieces like The Duchess and Becoming Jane, The Painted Veil is just a really beautiful story. Considering all trappings of a sappy period piece, The Painted Veil overcomes that and really brings the audience a well-developed, heartfelt story. Plus Edward Norton is just so underrated, he was brilliant in this!

8. Remember Me? (novel): This was my first non-Shopaholic series, Sophie Kinsella book that I've read, and the first chick-lit novel I've read in such a long time, and Remember Me? did not disappoint. Although Remember Me? is totally predictable and generic and at times even annoying like how some chick-lits are, the way the story is delivered is just really so terrific and funny that I really had no reason to hate it. It's light and cozy, sexy in many parts even, and a total delight. I read it in like a day, and that's never happened to me for any book before—it's a page-turner for sure.

9. Definitely, Maybe (film): Well I saw this on HBO last night, and I found the film to be relatively enjoyable. I mean it's not the best and it isn't at all memorable, but it's okay. It's kind of weird though—the mood isn't extremely dark comedy, neither is it extremely light comedy; it's somewhere in the middle and that's a bit hard to place. It's a nice romantic story, and I liked it. Though I would totally understand if someone else would totally hate it.

And oh yeah. American Idol.

I CAN'T BELIEVE MATT GIRAUD WAS IN THE BOTTOM THREE (!!!).

Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. - Benjamin Spock

I started the summer officially with tears.

Tears of abandonment, tears of depression, tears of loss, tears of hope—tears of many things. But one thing's for certain, they were tears for change. I will change, and I made a promise to myself—and to God—that I wouldn't wait for senior year to start changing.

On the last day of school, while everyone else was happy, I was in tears. I was depressed. My exam scores were shit, and I actually managed to make myself even feel worse about my paper in English, which I didn't think was even possible anymore. I was ashamed. I got to this point not caring much about my education, underneath the facade that to others, I really did. I know that I tried, but I never tried enough as I knew I could, which beats me to the core; and it's why I was never genuinely happy for who I was as a person.

I was a horrible person. Apathetic and indifferent in every respect—a nonexistent soul, a soulless body. What's worse of it is that I didn't really do anything about it. Of course I'd make promises; of course for a few days, I would be trying. But I would always eventually stop. Because I knew I was only doing it to make myself feel better.

And on that last day of school, while everyone else was happy, I went home crying. Because while majority of the class got a line of eight in Chem, I almost failed. While majority of the class got their best grade in English ever, I got one of my worst. While majority of the class found the Geom exam to be easy, I struggled. And I knew why; it was because I didn't get it, I didn't study, didn't try. And I won't even make excuses—I know why this all happened, and it's because of me: shithole of a me.

This is how it always happens: I stop trying, I take the test, my grades are shit, I cry in self-pity, and I stop trying again. And although I honestly don't know why I stopped caring and trying in the first place, I know it's not an excuse. Because I should always care. I should always want to learn, to be better.

And so I was in tears, crying. And out of depressed thought, I knew this wasn't it. I won't end the year with the same person. It's too late to change what has happened in third year, but it's not too late to change myself, as a person.

So I decided to resume talking to the sky, to the ceiling, and I realized that God was the only person who could understand me. He was the only one who could listen, and I knew there wasn't any judgment.

I believed in him again, because it was the only way to help me get right.

So I don't know if these feelings and realizations will last, because I know that it's easy to fall back into that cycle wherein I'll stop caring. But I damn well hope not to.

I know now that I have to change. Not to make myself feel better, and not really to do it for God, but really, to do it for myself. Because I am the only person in the world who can change just who I am.

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. - Elie Wiesel

Sometimes, even when people don't make any sense, as long as they hurt you, you really just want to cry.

You might understand their reasons sometimes. Maybe they're just lonely; the husband's away, and the rest of the children. Maybe they think, that after all the disrespectful children one's had, you're the only hope of being right.

But I'm not, not to her anyway. And probably not to anyone else she talks about me to. I'll be known as the rebel or what ever the fuck else she labels me as. And I don't even have it in me to want to protest against her because the senselessness she's shouting into my ear and hitting on my body is much too stupid, mistaken. I don't get it. I don't get it enough to want to change it.

But still; you cry, I cry. Because you know that you hate it all. You hate all of it. You hate her, him, them. A world of animosity and apathy, once you're just too fed up. And all you can think of, once you stop caring, is I just want to get the hell out of this house.

Is it so bad to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Never in my life have I felt this dumb before.

Was it some sort of a mind-block or panic attack going on? Well I don't know what the hell it was, but for the first time EVER in my entire academic life, I took a quiz and I seriously did not know what I was doing.

I took the Chemistry "long quiz" right after the Geometry long test, and God, I thought Geom was bad enough. Chemistry was a load of bullshit that I didn't understand the hell of. And I studied. I did, okay? I admit that it wasn't the hardest I've ever tried, but I did. And I understood. And I know that it is my fault for not knowing the answers, for not even possessing a decent guess at many points, but I studied for Chem—along with Geom, along with Health, along with my piano lesson which were all excruciating. I did everything I had to do yesterday, tiring myself over things I won't even apply ten years from now, and that's the point. It feels like I'm never fucking good enough. AND I HATE MAKING EXCUSES, BUT IT'S THE TRUTH. When will my sleepless nights (and that's literally staying up for 36 hours straight) ever pay off? It's as if no matter how much I try, there's nothing. Why do people like so and so and so get to sleep and yet they're the ones getting the high grades, overwhelming and almost undermining everyone else's capabilities? I know it's STUPID, but it never seems right to me. It never feels right and good and content and most of all, WORTH IT.

Nothing will work unless you do. - Maya Angelou

I AM SO FUCKING NERVOUS.

Now that the sequence for the English oral defense is at random—and yeah I actually thought that random sequencing would be okay BUT IT'S NOT—I feel like I'm chopping my own head off or bursting my own brains out in this very slow and painful process to death. And the scariest part about all this is that I can't rebut my counter-arguments. To prepare well for the defense, I have to question myself a lot, and before today, I believed I was going to do okay, but now I'm completely lost. It's probably because I'm not sure how to synthesize my analyses for the presentation and all that, but the fact that I can't answer my own questions anymore tells me that I am completely SCREWED.

But to keep myself sane (or am I actually losing sanity with this?), I've been obsessing over American Idol a lot. Okay, not American Idol per se, but Adam Lambert, lol, who is absolutely my favorite contestant on Idol right now. Normally for every season, I have this contestant who I totally love and perhaps become obsessed with; last year it was David Cook, duh, then the others were like Blake Lewis, Chris Daughtry, and Constantine Maroulis. Now it's Adam Lambert, HAHA. And I know a lot of people speculate that he's probably gay, but I wouldn't care. He will forever be a great singer as long as his larynx is still in tact and shit. I mean seriously, did you seeeee his recent performance when he sang "Satisfaction" by The Rolling Stones? Geez, that was insane. That was like a true let's-bring-the-fucking-house-down! kind of performance, I loved it. Besides, people always think musical theatre people are gay simply because it's musical theatre! ... Though I do personally hope he's not. (AH, I LOVE HIM!)

... Anyway.

OMG, I'm so fucking tired. And therefore I am pretty much going insane. I want to die again. Actually I slept through an entire half of Social Studies today all the way into lunch period, LOL. That's how fucking tired, or simply bored—or both—I am. I want to die. Random sequence is not fair, wah!

I edited this layout a lot, but of course the original ideas and HTML coding were from someone better. xD Huge thanks and acknowledgments to LikeWhoa for the basecodes.


» December 2008
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» February 2009
» March 2009
» April 2009
» May 2009
» June 2009
» July 2009
» August 2009
» September 2009
» October 2009


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» To pass the ACET
» New iPod case
» New headphones
» New cellphone
» Showbiz album by Muse
» Origin of Symmetry album by Muse
» Absolution album by Muse
» HAARP album by Muse
» Black Holes and Revelations album by Muse
» The Resistance album by Muse
» Leonard Maltin's 2010 Movie Guide
» Hungarian Dances by Jessica Duchen
» The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
» Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist DVD


[4/5] About Schmidt
[4/5] Adventureland
[n/a] Annie Hall
[4/5] The Brother's Bloom
[n/a] Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
[n/a] Dr. Strangelove
[n/a] Everyone Says I Love You
[n/a] The French Connection
[4/5] Garden State
[5/5] Goodfellas
[4/5] Harry Potter 6
[4/5] He's Just Not that Into You
[5/5] The Hurt Locker
[4/5] I Love You, Man
[n/a] Lolita
[n/a] Margot at the Wedding
[n/a] Moon
[n/a] My Father's Glory
[n/a] My Sister's Keeper
[n/a] The Piano
[4/5] The Proposal
[n/a] Public Enemies
[n/a] Rain Man
[n/a] A Room with a View
[n/a] Schindler's List
[n/a] The Silence of the Lambs
[2/5] The Soloist
[n/a] Somewhere in Time
[n/a] St. Elmo's Fire
[n/a] State of Play
[3/5] Sunshine Cleaning
[n/a] Taxi Driver
[3/5] The Time Traveler's Wife
[5/5] Up
[n/a] Up in the Air