Realcardbored

entries profile chatter clicks extras

The Only One

Sunday, March 22, 2009 @ 5:41 PM

Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. - Benjamin Spock

I started the summer officially with tears.

Tears of abandonment, tears of depression, tears of loss, tears of hope—tears of many things. But one thing's for certain, they were tears for change. I will change, and I made a promise to myself—and to God—that I wouldn't wait for senior year to start changing.

On the last day of school, while everyone else was happy, I was in tears. I was depressed. My exam scores were shit, and I actually managed to make myself even feel worse about my paper in English, which I didn't think was even possible anymore. I was ashamed. I got to this point not caring much about my education, underneath the facade that to others, I really did. I know that I tried, but I never tried enough as I knew I could, which beats me to the core; and it's why I was never genuinely happy for who I was as a person.

I was a horrible person. Apathetic and indifferent in every respect—a nonexistent soul, a soulless body. What's worse of it is that I didn't really do anything about it. Of course I'd make promises; of course for a few days, I would be trying. But I would always eventually stop. Because I knew I was only doing it to make myself feel better.

And on that last day of school, while everyone else was happy, I went home crying. Because while majority of the class got a line of eight in Chem, I almost failed. While majority of the class got their best grade in English ever, I got one of my worst. While majority of the class found the Geom exam to be easy, I struggled. And I knew why; it was because I didn't get it, I didn't study, didn't try. And I won't even make excuses—I know why this all happened, and it's because of me: shithole of a me.

This is how it always happens: I stop trying, I take the test, my grades are shit, I cry in self-pity, and I stop trying again. And although I honestly don't know why I stopped caring and trying in the first place, I know it's not an excuse. Because I should always care. I should always want to learn, to be better.

And so I was in tears, crying. And out of depressed thought, I knew this wasn't it. I won't end the year with the same person. It's too late to change what has happened in third year, but it's not too late to change myself, as a person.

So I decided to resume talking to the sky, to the ceiling, and I realized that God was the only person who could understand me. He was the only one who could listen, and I knew there wasn't any judgment.

I believed in him again, because it was the only way to help me get right.