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Revelations! I May Not Be Smart But I Do Try

Friday, August 14, 2009 @ 1:57 PM

I remember the very last day of junior year. I was in the car, on my way home, and I was silently crying in the backseat; because I ended that year hating myself for not trying hard enough. So I promised myself that this year, I would be better.

And it started with the first quarter exams.

Today was results day, and it was the most heartbreaking news ever. I passed everything, but I didn't get the grades that I felt like I deserved. Because I REEEEEALLY—like, REALLY studied hard for this. I studied hard for everything, because I didn't want to repeat my mistakes from third year. I didn't want to feel like I wasn't doing enough again, like I wasn't exerting effort anymore. But based on my exam scores this quarter: Apparently my hard work just wasn't enough.

Now that was my initial reaction. Of course I was depressed, I felt like crying, I felt stupid. Like, REALLY STUPID. My pride is forever scathed.

But then, I think something amazing happened.

I realized today that, more or less, I will always be an average student. Always. I'll probably never reach the likes of COUGHbillieCOUGHtoni; and it doesn't mean I won't strive to be of that level anymore, but when it does come to certain things, it's undeniable that I would really find those difficult.

Strangely enough though, when it came to end, I was really proud of myself. I was proud of my 50/70 in English, my 74/100 in Math and in Physics, my 60/80 in Fil. I was.

I was sincerely proud, because in every single one of my grades, I knew, I just really really knew, that I could measure my 100/100 in effort. And that's what was most important to me. I do strive to be smart, but at the core of it, I really just strive to strive. All the while as I was being so desperate to get immaculate grades, all I really just wanted to discover, was myself—that I could do it. That I could take a test and no matter what I got or how hard I found it, I did my best and pushed my limits in wanting to try harder. It's important for me to get good grades, but as long as I knew who I was while taking the exam, then that is all that matters to me. I would rather be the one who stays up all night trying so hard to understand the lesson, than be the one who was just born smart, and never had to do much. I'd rather know that I tried my best more than anything else in the world.